The Walker
by Bryan Harrison
The first death I
saw that summer was Frank Barber. I heard the whine first, brakes yelping
against the pavement like some trapped animal, then the thud. That was when I
looked, because the thud was way too loud to be what I knew it had to be and,
of course, turned out to be: Frank.
He was a sudden a
pile of ragged laundry held together by twisting limbs, bouncing into the
intersection to the chorus of brakes and horrified screams. Behind windshields,
mouths formed voiceless “Noooo”s and shock was written in all the faces bobbing
in the ensuing sea of attention.
I couldn't stay
afloat. The wall at the edge of Farnly's lot gave me the vantage, though my
shoes gripped the crusty lip uneasily.
Frank was dead.
That much was plain. Not that I thought there could be any other outcome to his
quick relationship with the hood of the monstrosity, Ms. Hooper’s car, but
seeing him there in front of me was different.
No movie actor could ever look so dead.
It was the first
one that summer, and He was there.
I really
didn't notice him that first time.
Rather, I remembered his presence when I saw him again. It was an
instant recognition. Not so much because of what he wore or the way he looked,
which was indistinct. It was what he did, or what he didn't do and that was
stand out. He was, for all practical purposes, invisible. I wondered how in
fact I had ever noticed him at all.
Picture the scene.
There's Frank in the middle of the street, bloody, his body lain in angles all
wrong to living things, his skinny face froze in an expression more dramatic
than I'd ever seen on him, and then the old Hooper widow, all feathered hat and
white gloves shakin' and trying to look like she might have a slight bit of
composure left, fingers working at that fluffy thing she always wore around her
neck and all the tears and 'I-never-even-saw-him's'. All of a sudden comes the restless sea of faces, rushing in
waves from buildings and cars and trucks and commuter busses and everybody
twitching all talking about 'I saw this' and 'Did you see that' and eventually
the ambulance and cops trying to make their way through the cars and people;
and then, there at the edge of the throng, as if on a casual afternoon stroll,
fitting in way too much; him.
But, as I said, I
didn’t think of this until the day Dizzy Morrison fell off the second story of
the old condemned building on Brookshire. All the junkies played there,
haggard, worried faces slipping under the rusted fence all day, in and out, in
and out, and the cops ignoring it all. And then Dizzy takes a fall. A leap?
There were two
things that had me there in the first place, a conspiracy of fates if you will.
One was groceries, I needed some. Two
was the fact that I owed Butcher Downs twenty bucks and wouldn't have it till
Thursday. Otherwise I would have been walking on Mercer where Butcher lives.
I actually heard
Dizzy hit. I heard the hollow clap of flesh and bone on the heated summer
sidewalk. I almost dropped my groceries.
You can picture this
one too. There's Dizzy, unmistakably dead, a tangle of matted blonde hair and a
stupid smile of surprise plastered underneath bulging eyes and the halo of red
growing on the asphalt around him like some demented special effect. Marj and
Steve Brady and all the rest of the local losers came running from the
building, faces more urgent than usual. Marj and Steve took hesitant steps
toward the bleeding bundle wrapped in Dizzy's brown coat that he wore even when
it was way too hot to wear a coat. All the 'ohmygawd ohmygawd's, and
'man-o-man's' and the junkies beating it in the other direction, and finally
the big guy that lives next door stepped out to see what the commotion was and
somebody's car wailed to a stop and the waves of spectators rushed in.
Then I see him.
Again.
That’s when I
realized Ms. Hooper had no more killed Frank Barber than Dizzy had fallen from
the third story of a building whose stinking, condemned interior he could
probably navigate blindfolded, high, on a dark night.
He did it. The Walker.
That’s what
I immediately named him: The Walker.
You had to be there
to understand. Nothing really makes any sense until you see it for yourself.
Like a late night movie full of explosions and people falling out of airplanes
and cars reduced to high velocity rubble in trite chase scenes, you'd change
the channel to watch the weatherman. But if even one of those overdone gimmicks
were really happening you'd be in the front yard yapping about it with
neighbors you didn't even know you had.
Proximity makes all
the difference.
If you could have
seen The Walker like I did that day, standing at the corner of Brookshire and
7th, dressed so inconspicuously that he might as well have not been there, 'not
moving' in the purest sense, showing lack of motion to be an act in itself;
staring at the spot where the ex-Dizzy Morrison spent his last sobering moment
on the face of the planet; if you could have seen it that way, then you might
have known too.
The Walker did
things. On the outside he was just another head bobbing in the throng of
gawkers, along for the excitement; just another face drowned into anonymity by
the onslaught of tears and sirens and Marj screams, fighting against Stevens
grip on her wrist, insisting they stay.
Then he was gone.
Just like that. With him left my sudden, inexplicable understanding. For a
moment I wasn't sure I'd seen him at all. I left when Butcher showed up to get
his share of stories.
That night I tried
to sleep. Really tried. I had never realized how many little cracks were in my
ceiling before that night. I must have counted and recounted a dozen
times. I was doing anything to make the
images fade.
Buddy was pissed in
the morning. He hates it when I call in.
"You’re sick?
Again?" he said
"Yeah. Sick of
working for you.." I explained.
"You're not
funny anymore Scott! I'm backed up for the next week and ..."
"Did you hear
about Dizzy?"
"Dizzy?"
"Dizzy...
Toby's brother"
"The
Junky" he said it like that. Like it was a title.
"Yeah. The
Junky. Anyways, he falls out of this building yesterday and ..."
"The one on
Brookshire?"
I grunted. He
grunted back. I finished the story and he pondered aloud what this might have
to do with me not coming to work.
"I was…like…
there man. I seen the whole thing. Man, I heard his head smack! Like...
like..."
He grunted.
"And so,
you're not coming into work."
I wanted to explain
about the Walker. About the flash of understanding and how I had just realized
that he fascinated me; scared me, was beginning to consume my thoughts. Was I
the only person that knew of him, saw him for what he was? Whatever that was. I
thought, for one quick moment, that Buddy might get it, that maybe there were
words that would communicate my inexplicable insight.
But, "I couldn't
sleep last night," are the words I chose instead.
"Tomorrow your
ass'll be here on time Scott," were the words he chose, and the line went
dead.
I actually pulled
the receiver away from my ear and frowned at it, as if I was doing a bit in a
film. Then I hung it up. I took a dump, showered, toweled and combed and
brushed. I dressed, slowly, methodically. My movements probably looked like
that of some deranged robot. I sure felt like one. The face in the mirror was mine, I’d had it all my life, but for
some reason I found myself pondering it, wondering just who was really behind
those dark eyes. I shook that off quickly and went to the kitchen, cut up some
old, hard ham and stirred it into scrambled eggs with what was left of my
cheese. Then I combed and brushed again, and went to look for him.
Imagine the odds
against finding a person, an unknown person, in such a manner as simply leaving
the house in search of said person. I don't know what they are, but they must
be staggering. I didn't know anything about this guy, who (or what) he was,
where he might live, or where he might hang out if in fact hanging out is
something he participated in.
So, how did I know
I would find him at the mall? I don't think I did.
This time it was a
woman unknown to me. She choked on her lunch at the pizza place; choked to
death in front of the wide helpless eyes of a dozen screaming kids. I heard the
sputtering cough, and saw the frantic helpless expression on the face of the
cashier as the huge woman fell to the shining linoleum floor. The thick slice
of pepperoni had lodged at just the right angle, and her girth made the
Heimlich impossible. But I knew the truth; what really killed her.
I scanned the
growing throng.
When I saw him for
the third time, standing at the edge of the chattering sea near the food
pavilion, I began to understand something.
This time I saw his
exit. He was there 'not moving' and then, suddenly, he was moving. He ran a
hand across his shirt, as if to flick something off. Then he left, walking in a
casual, graceful, dance of brisk strides. His was a ballet of anonymity,
sliding through the noisy mall, past shouting teenagers, rushing security
guards and confused shop owners, out into the glare of the day. I realized then
why he seemed to disappear. One just never noticed him leaving. I’m sure
everybody knows someone like that, someone that's already gone just at the
moment you're about to say 'see ya later'.
I followed.
In the daylight it
was obvious that he was from a long line of euro-descendents. He looked like he
might live in a house that had no smells at all and an old-fashion television
that was never watched. Windows might be opened but for some reason the light
would never quite made it into the room. You might pass by such a house as he
might have lived in and never notice it until years later when you wondered why
you never noticed that house before.
He looked as if he
might not sleep at all but simply cease to exist until the dawn of the
following day.
I moved stealthily,
at a distance, behind him. I tried my best not to let him out of my sight, even
for a moment; for fear that he would simply disappear.
But I did. And he
did.
Thursday was
impossible.
Buddy was more of
an asshole than usual, and I didn't really get much done, except a few new
paper burns. The UPS guy was typically a in a hurry and some of the stuff had
to wait till Friday. Buddy was burning. He didn't even say good-bye.
When I got home I
heard about the inexplicable accident at the train station. Something about a
window being opened and a girder slipping from the vent and some more words
that wrapped ineffectually around my eardrums and slipped away. I knew what
really happened.
I knew I'd never
make it through Friday. But somehow I did. Buddy didn't even talk to me. I got
a lot done though and when he handed me my check, he even smiled a little. It
was back in a shaky grace.
The Walker got a
cop that day. The silver-gray anchorman, (an obvious toupee') dramatically
recounted the rumor about the foiled robbery attempt, the cops gun jamming, the
fatal backfire and the emotionally distraught family and on and on. Silver-gray
did a good job of affecting remorse before he cued the weather guy.
I tried to sleep
that night and was finally stolen off to someplace a decent semblance thereof.
In my dreams I was at the birthday party for the mother of somebody I never met
before and, while a muted thin version of Auld Lang Seine was offered by the
faceless crowd, I saw a giant roach crawling up the wall. No one else seemed to
notice and for some reason I chose not to alert them. The roach flexed massive
wings and began peeling off the wallpaper in violent gulps, exposing the naked
wooden flesh of the world, the ancient cracks lined with mold and blood. I
thought it would come for me next, but when it finally looked my way, as if
beckoned by my gaze, I realized it was just a bug after all; just a big dumb
bug in a nonsense dream.
I dashed out of the
house that morning, hoping The Walker worked on weekends. I wasn't
disappointed.
I had dressed well
for the occasion, trying to mimic the innocuous look he had mastered. It
occurred to me that he might notice my scrutiny, not that he had anything to
worry about for I'd never be able to convince anybody of anything without being
hauled off. But I wanted to be safe. If it was possible to be safe with
something like the Walker wandering around.
I made a mental
note of the places I'd seen him and the places I heard about on the news. I
left then, pondering a pattern to his appearances, one perhaps beyond my
admittedly limited scope of comprehension. But finding him was, as usual, so
easy that it seemed preordained. This thought should have bothered me.
He was doing his
casual stroll down Fifth Street when I locked in on him. I paced him for about
five or ten minutes, but he just seemed to be rambling. I wondered if he had a
routine, maybe a method of choosing his next victim.
Victim?
Even as I thought
the word, I knew it was somehow inappropriate. Somehow I knew I wasn't seeing
things clearly. Yet.
He turned onto
Magnolia and then I saw how he worked. I saw him kill.
It was some
guy that I'd seen around town before, around the park down on Seventh, though I
didn't know his name. We were getting farther away from my running ground. The
Walker stopped, seeming to adjust his glasses, but even in the innocence of
that movement there was some purpose evident, some form of judgment pronounced
and declared for execution. It was the way a man might be seen deciding to trim
his lawn, suddenly, standing at it's edge, a quick flicker of some decision
would cross his features, then resolve into action. But the lawn-mowing man
would initiate a tell tale series of activities. The Walker, from all outward
appearances, was simply standing, staring at his next... the next person,
number five, who himself was standing at the junction of two buildings. On the
left was the neon facade of Danny's Family Restaurant, though actual families
were frequenting the place less and less as businesses fled and the
neighborhood fell into ruin. To the right was the shabby exterior of the old
skating rink which had yet to be courted by any prospective buyers and stood
looking somehow forlorn in it's vacancy.
As I watched the
nameless man, not wanting to admit my anticipation about finding out what
manner of death was obviously rushing at him, I realized that there was
something about him that I recognized. My breath caught. I saw something, a
flash that may have been who he was. It was in his face and gestures, the
slight movements that let us know we are looking at a living thing. It was a
pale light, a glimmer of some essence like a visual whisper. I am sure that my
jaw hung open like some little kid at a magicians show.
Then I shaded my
eyes as the flare of neon light maddened for a second. The man, alerted by the
sound, jumped. But too late. The art deco lip of the old skating building came
suddenly crashing down on him. It had grabbed a handful of Danny's Family sign
as it fell and the man died in a pile of rubble and dust.
This time The
Walker didn't wait for the cover of the crowd to make his leave. His retreat
was quick, frantic compared to what I’d seen before. And he was headed towards
me! I told me legs to move, but my body ignored my commands and I stood
helpless, mesmerized by his sudden approach. His calm features were annoyed,
his eyes more intense than they had been before, brows pinched and jaw working
words muted by closed lips.
He passed within arms reach of me. I
withdrew, the hair on my forearms rising from the thrill of him, like standing
too close to some enormous beast. Just the proximity was exhilarating. Then he
was gone, just the racing of my heart remained as a witness to his passage.
When my calm reluctantly
returned I gathered myself and followed, steeping through the newly gathered
crowd who didn’t seem to notice me. I pursued him through the distracting
clamor of neon and billboards that comprised downtown and then turned as he
headed calmly towards the quiet drives that sliced through the pseudo-suburban
terrain that surrounded the old business districts. Then, past the nondescript
cubist architecture of the corporate zone, to the seedier side of the town
where dark police cruisers competed with darker vehicle for dominion on the
sullen, garbage lined streets.
He was moving fast
now. Much faster than I'd seen in the short time that I had been acquainted
with him. I felt a strange kinship. Was I the only one who knew of him? I felt
a chill at the thought.
He stopped,
finally, at the mouth of the stairwell that led into the twisting walkways of
Harris Park, deserted now save for the outcast souls for whom it served as
home. They were often seen during the daylight hours, gathering bottles, discarded
clothing or food, such as their need. At night they disappeared into the
crannies of the city, noticed only when some sick teenagers indulged in the
unofficially sanctioned madness of chasing or beating them, or some official
agency came to tear down their hastily erected shanties.
And now the Walker
was here.
He stood at the
bottom of the stairwell for a moment, arms crossed, one finger flicking his
chin as if pondering a strategy. He never looked in my direction, but I knew he
knew I was behind him. I also knew that it didn't matter to him.
He was a sudden
flurry of action again, and dashed up the stairs into the park. I followed
quickly, taking the huge cement steps three and four at a time. I was panting
when I got to the top and moved into the central area of the park. The Walker
had already started down a dark trail, engulfed in brush and the overhang from
poorly tended trees. His steps were calmer now. He was walking again, like a
man on familiar ground. He continued this way for a short distance, trekking
deeper into the mysterious park. Then he stopped.
I stopped, closer
to him this time. I could feel him feeling my presence. It was like the heat of
someone's breath too close. He waited. I waited.
We were waiting
together.
The boy that walked
into the park wasn't a resident. That much was obvious. You didn't have to see
the clothes, the shoes, the watch, or the expensive shades dangling from the
leather pocket in his coat, or the freshly cut trim of his retro ducktail. I
saw all that, yes, but just the cautious way he walked, shuffled into the
darkness, told me he was out of his natural habitat. Way out. The guy he was
following, however, seemed much too comfortable, dangerously comfortable.
The Walker was
invisible, as I must have been. The two young men that we witnessed were too
preoccupied in the anticipation of their differing intentions too notice either
of us. I stifled my shallow breathing as I realized which of them was about to
feel the sting of mortality premature. I saw his secret light, the mist of a
pale prescience that I knew was visible to only myself and one other.
They disappeared
into the dark of a cluster of trees and there was silence. More silence. Then,
finally a youthful laugh, almost a giggle. Innocent. His last. The laugh was
cut short and an awful, desperate sound, terribly childlike, suddenly filled
all the crannies of night shadows, then a thud. It was heavy and wet.
The screaming
stopped. The boy, who shouldn't have been there, was there no more.
I started breathing
again. The one he had followed was in the grassy clearing again, and then, just
as quickly, he was gone, rushing from the shadows and down the steps at the
mouth of the park. There was no need to call the police. What would they find?
Some desperate addict who feigned one appetite just to feed another? Or maybe
one more in the growing torrent of tortured souls taking revenge on an innocent
(innocent?) unsuspecting world. The real killer was beyond suspicion.
I left then.
Walking quickly. Almost running. ‘No more! No more!’ I told myself, ‘I’ve seen
enough!’ I was as empty as the starless black of sky above the humming
streetlights I passed. I was lost in a world inside my head, one I dared not
show on my face. I strode casually, trying to be invisible to the cars that
rushed by me.
What time had I
finally arrived home? When had I finally pressed into the welcome cushions of
my bed and felt the shock of my experiences wither, and float off into the
grasp of some forgotten dream? I can't recall.
When I awoke the
next morning, the part of my nightmare that followed me into consciousness,
left a stench on anything that might have helped me forget night before.
"So is this is
new improved Scott?" Buddy gazed at the stacks of unpacked boxes and then
at the clock. I only grunted a response.
"Hey, what the
fuck is with you?" he yelled. His eyes locked mine as if he was trying to
look inside my skull. What would he see there?
The possibilities scared me. I shrugged. I was supposed to be lost in
the physical routine that is my duty: boxing, wrapping, tagging, stacking; a
monotony of motion. But I was sitting
again, watching the things that I had begun to see on the way to work that
morning.
Buddy was acting
ticked off, but I knew he was really concerned and that it was hard for him to
show it. His father had made sure of that when he'd left Buddies dog in
Arkansas, abandoned him on some desolate back street when he'd packed up his
family, once again, and told Buddy to tell all he friends goodbye, again,
because they were moving, again; to Oregon this time. Buddy was eight and had
already called five shabby apartments home. There was his father’s "We'll
get you another friggin dog!” and “You aint cryin'.. you cryin? Jeez and Mary.
Don't be a gawdam sissy Buddy, we'll get you another gawdam dog!" and his
mother’s, "You're a big boy now, Buddy," even when he wasn't. He was
still just a little boy in a big boys body, staring out confused at a rapidly
changing world. He'd made it through somehow.
And how did I know
all this? Buddy was still watching me.
"I'm sick or
something man. I feel like shit," was all I could offer.
"Can't keep
this up Scotty," a serious whisper. No more messing around.
"I know."
And I did know. I
knew too much. It wasn't a big rush or anything. It was slow, persistent.
Everything just sort of came at me. Suddenly people had this leaky valve and
their lives hissed out like compressed air, their story carried in the scent. I
smelled them all. I saw them too, saw them in the thin haze of pale light in
which they were enveloped.
Justin, the guy
from the sales office and the collection of dead bugs he had at seven and at
fifteen the cat he'd tortured with a friend and the drunken girl he raped at
college and how the memories of those actions, the impulses that drove them now
repressed, still gave him warmth somehow. And there was Marjorie with the weird
Czechoslovakian last name, and her boyfriend, the one her husband had found out
about and forgave her for, the one she had never stopped seeing even as she
swore it was over; and then Stan in the parts department who was still looking
for a man strong enough to take his fathers place, someone to berate him, mock
his efforts, hit him occasionally; Mary
at the lunch counter and her fuzzy warmth of beauty, a thin crust above the
suicidal uncertainty that she lived in most of the day; and all the faces of
harried customers, a thousand unwanted impressions, a growing reek of
sensation. And every once in a while I'd see
a luminescence that was different than the ones around it. The colors
spoke of a secret portent longing to press into the real world. Like the one on
the boy in the park. These lights filled me with dread. I had to…
"… go
home," I said.
Buddy grunted, didn't
even look up from whatever paperwork consumed him. "Get outta here. Call
me when you're ready to work and I might put you back on the schedule."
It didn't matter
anymore. The thought of being unemployed faded into the background when I hit
the street, and the cacophonic lives of everyone I passed were revealed to
me. I was crazy with the strain to
control my face; to keep from giving away my astonishment at every person I
saw. I knew what I had to do.
That night was
cool, a breeze blew over the city chasing off the heavy sag of grime in the
air. I knew where he would be and he was there. It was as if he had been
waiting. Yes. He had been.
I felt him feeling
my presence again. It was almost a greeting, this sensation, a nod of an
invisible head, an inaudible whisper, 'Ahhh, couldn't stay away, eh?'. But I
wasn't scared anymore. I followed, wondering when it had happened, when this
deal had been struck between us, somewhere beyond the realm of words, where
only glances were needed to seal the contract.
Where were we
headed this time? These were deserted streets, outskirts of the city, too
remote for even the derelicts to roam. And still he walked. I trailed
obediently at a discreet distance. How far?
Then from across a
dark expanse of undeveloped property, distant arena lights came into view and
there came the roar of motors, disturbing the air like distant thunder. So that
was it tonight? The racetrack.
We arrived. He paid
and entered. I waited, then I paid and followed. I sat a few rows behind him.
The stock cars raced by, wrecked blurs of bright colors and smoke. A tinny
voice raised above all the screeching and whining of engines, called names and
numbers and advertised crap to eat and drink and the sponsors of cars, and then
an entire section of the front row lit up in the light of such intricacy I
forgot everything else. I moaned audibly and then steeled my face in case I had
drawn any ones attention. This was what he had to show me. This would explain
all.
It was beautiful.
They were all there. Bathed in the pearl light of their shared destiny, the
threads of their lives perfectly intertwined to bring them here in this last
moment. Together. They didn't even know they knew one and other. And I was
there to witness.
No. It was more
then that. I was there to learn. I was there to understand.
The Walker nodded
his head ever so slightly and I watched as the florescent green GTO slid,
skidded, bounced against a beaten red Mustang and then flew, actually flew,
over the embankment, ripping the fencing away like cotton candy. Ripped metal
sliced through the screaming group before their terror had a chance to set in,
before they had a chance to realize that this was it; their last moment. The
splash of colors was amazing. I was in instant tears for the beauty of the
display. The fear, the hope, the dreams, the very history of the dying lit up
before me, a divine light, and I was lost in it. Everything inside me spilt
out. All the anxiety and confusion of the last week left me in a rush of tears
and joy. I steeled my face and turned
to leave.
Nobody noticed me.
The ensuing flurry of activity made me invisible. When I stopped to look behind
me, he was already gone. I had been so wrong. I had to let him know that I
understood now, that had been wrong about him. I left quickly. He couldn't have
gotten far.
The sky was new.
The stars that were visible through the city haze were a billion distant eyes,
watching me. The lights of the city were a million candles lit for my march
home. I was something new, reborn under a huge faceless monstrosity of concrete
and steel. The huge empty buildings of the industrial area had taken on some
new dimension. I was transfixed as I passed them. Everything was reborn to my
eyes. How could I have missed this before? Maybe it was the way I missed
everything, like everybody. The way they all missed him.
How could he have
lived like this? Seeing all this? Knowing all that he knew? How had he stayed
sane? Had he?
And suddenly there
he was, in front of me, at an intersection, his back to me. In this new light
of vision he looked thin, vulnerable. He knew I was there; knew of the rapture
that had seized me and knew also that of my new understanding.
Something passed
between us. Even at this distance it was like an electric shock up my spine. A
thought too immense to cognize, that settled into the body instead, waiting for
the time when I was ready to see.
Then he lit up. It
was Christmas, explosions, a fire of some eternal origin, his body a small dot
within. For the first and only time, he turned and looked at me. His eyes
displayed a longing of such intensity that I would have wept had I not been
steeled against it. To anyone who passed we were two completely unrelated
individuals, walking on the same stretch of sidewalk on a lonely dark night.
That was if anyone noticed us at all.
But to me he was a
magnificent display of some divine pattern, a luminous schematic of fate. I
understood now. As much as I could, I understood my task. Our deal had been
written on the very fabric of reality.
I let him go. 'Yes.
Yes. You're right, old man, it's time. Good-bye.' This was only a gesture. A
casual tweak of my chin as if an itch had annoyed me. He turned. Simply and
unceremoniously, he walked into the intersection… against the light. The driver
of the speeding truck never had a chance to even hit the brakes. The witnessing
was the most beautiful I had seen and would ever see.
I remember that
time clearly as I sit in the quiet house that nobody ever seems to notice. It
was his home before. I guess it still is, after a fashion; for what have I
become after all?
Crude matters like
food, rent, have not concerned me since I am taken in to this awful
responsibility. The money is there. The food is there. Some agency above logic's crude restraints
ordains this so. I ask no questions anymore.
It's been that
long, eh? So long that nothing seems amazing anymore? I walk among the
unconscious multitude, endlessly. None notice me. I slide through the gauntlet
of curious gazes unscathed, untouched by the willowy fingers of scrutiny. I
have not just witnessed as I had once assumed, but I have played such a part in
the passage of fate that, should I express this, it would drive anyone mad to
hear. I give them permission to go. They never know their own weariness, but I
see it as simply one would see the warp of shelves in an old bookcase, or the
gradual fraying of old coils, losing grip on the huge segments of the life they
support. In parts of their being they don't even know exist, they are relieved.
I am overcome by
the beauty of it.
Or, I was.
I grow tired now. I
have been tired for some time.
I saw Buddy a while
ago. I can't recall just how long ago, the days blur from one to another. He
didn't recognize me, didn't even see me as he hurried off to whatever business
he had to attend. But his face, withered with time, reminded me of those days.
I thought of the life I once had. It wasn't that bad was it? Simple, yes;
uneventful perhaps; blessedly uneventful. Some would have called me a ‘weirdo’
perhaps, but I had been happy in my own way.
Now I just want to
rest for a while, maybe, or at least walk in the daylight without the secret
screams of agony and loneliness coming upon me from every direction. And there
is a chance for me; a young man, not so different than myself, a loner who
watches the world pass him by as if he is not a member of the weary procession.
He is strange to others. Yes, he is like myself so long ago.
I think he has
noticed me. He might even think he knows me, knows my secret duty. Perhaps
tomorrow I will see him again. Then I will be sure he follows.
Maybe we can come
to an understanding.